Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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