The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
