I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
