She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
