you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
