Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
me + whiskey = a bad person
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
