Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
