once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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