I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
