I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
