I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
