People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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