on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
