Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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