Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
