I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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