Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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