i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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