Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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