i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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