Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
