Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
