i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
