I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
