I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
