someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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