You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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