I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
