I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
