how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
