I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
