Please, let me fuck your mom
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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