I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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