hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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