At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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