fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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