I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
