I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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