you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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