We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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