thus making me awesome and them whores
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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