Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize