you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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