This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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