just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
