I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!