I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
