I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
