Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
