I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
