i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
