new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
