My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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