despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
