I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
