forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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