Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
