i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
