i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
