I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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