I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
