I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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