i think my mom watched the whole time
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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