Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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