I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
