I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
