Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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