omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
